Nine Reasons not to get Married Again

[Rejaneration]

Unraveling a 30 year relationship is quite...enlightening...     I don't know if I will ever get married again, but I do have to say that I find that some of these reasons not to are right on.  Some aren't though.

Anyway, I am in no hurry.    I don't know what the statistics are on men remarrying vs women, but would be curious.  My guess is that they would be higher?


From http://www.more.com/relationships/marry-again-nine-reasons-divorced-women-choose-not

Here’s a story that explains why a woman is more likely than a man to end a marriage.

A husband goes to a doctor and says, “Every time my wife and I get into a fight, she gets historical.”

“Don’t you mean hysterical?” asked the doctor.

 “No, “ he replied. “I prefer hysterical. That’s momentary. She gets historical. Reminds me of everything I ever did.”

For women, marital annoyances do pile up, which may explain why the National Marriage Project at Rutgers (http://marriage.rutgers.edu) found that two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women. As the director of Blended Families of America and a divorce coach, I’ve noticed that most over-40 divorced women realize they may not remarry. And guess what? They don’t care!

Why?

1) As we age, women are winding up while men are winding down.

Women have spent a lifetime asking everyone else — kids, husband, bosses — what they want. And now they are asking themselves the same question. So whether it’s going back to school, ditching the suburban life for city living, or taking a trek to the Himalayas, divorced women are using their new-found freedom to do what they want, especially if the kids have left home. The empty nest isn’t a syndrome any longer; it’s an opportunity to take flight—literally. Women are less concerned with new companionship than they are in feeling fulfilled spiritually and emotionally. According to a British study from the Yorkshire Building Society, the majority of women reported feeling liberated, relieved, and happy after their divorce and looked forward to a fresh start.

2) Living Apart Can Be Better Than Living Together

It’s fun being a girlfriend. A wife? Not so much. Cooking, housework, juggling multiple schedules is exhausting — and many women feel they were doing it as a solo act giving 90 percent to someone else’s 10 percent. That’s why LAT (Living Apart Together) relationships are so popular. As I explained in a New York Times article, that’s commitment without living together.

There are several benefits to this arrangement: If you’re a divorced mother of young children, you are less likely to be torn between pleasing your new spouse and your kids. Plus, your partners’ kids from other marriages won’t see you as a threat to their inheritance.

 In fact, the biggest reason for second marriage break-ups, according to the Stepfamily Foundation (www.stepfamilyfoundation.com), is because of the kids’ not getting along with their parent’s new love interest and their children—think Chris Evert and Greg Norman.

When you are together with your boyfriend, it is far more romantic and fun. There is date behavior and marital behavior. And given the choice, most of us would prefer the former. Sometimes, real life gets a little too real.

3)  As Mae West said, I used to be Snow White and then I drifted. Instead of one relationship, post-divorce dating may include many.

In short, women may prefer to date rather than remarry. Dr. Barbara Bartlik, a sex therapist and psychiatrist at New York Presbyterian hospital sees a growing trend of financially secure women preferring to “stay single and date.” They enjoy having their own schedules without having to report to anyone. They embrace the freedom to create environments that reflect their interests and tastes. Nor does this cramp a social life. In fact, 75% of women in their 50s in the AARP study report a serious relationship within two years after their divorces. Just because you don’t marry, doesn’t mean you’re not finding companionship. OK. The relationships may not be worthy of storybook romances but they can be interesting novellas.

4) You look better than ever and have more options

If you take care of yourself, the options increase exponentially. A trim body in either gender is always attractive. Years ago, divorced or widowed women in their 40s, 50s or 60s usually had to date up — to the geriatric ward, where men were often self-centered and bloated; think Danny DeVito on a bad day.

Now fast-forward. Women look so good, it’s hard to know their age. Science not only gives us nifty gadgets like iPhone and Tivo, it delivers long-term beauty. Now, younger men want to be with older women.

If you look up the definition of “cougar,” adjectives like sleek, smart and strong appear. And independent. Cougars pursue a variety of prey. Variety is always good especially when you’ve lived a life being loyal to one person who then either dumps you or disappoints you. In fact, this cat has the greatest range of any wild terrestrial mammal in the Western hemisphere—even wider than the wolf. It’s solitary and doesn’t need to stick around like those herding animals. Nor does a cougar want to stick around, which makes them more appealing. So don’t cringe at the term. Embrace it. Be a cougar. Test the waters. As the men soon discover, experience is its own reward.

5) You’ve matured

Your personality has changed and you are not the kid who was dating way back when. As Dr. Mark Banschick, who runs “The Intelligent Divorce” program in Katonah, New York, says, “If you were awkward, you are less so. If you liked "bad boys" you may pick a different sort today. If you were super conservative, you may choose fun over boredom.” Many of us married resumes or what we thought we should marry. But knowing thyself can be a good thing. We are more self assured, self reliant and conscious of our sexual and spiritual needs.

The key to enjoying this special stage in life is to remember that you carry many roles now as an adult. As Dr. Banschick cautions, “While you may be dating a variety of interesting men, remember to set your ‘second adolescence’ aside when needed.” Your kids still need an adult mother and your job still requires an adult sense of timeliness and responsibility.

6) Divorced women get time off from their kids – a true luxury

Divorced women share a secret. Unlike married couples who have kids 24/7 and can be exhausted from all the domestic responsibilities, divorced women by law must share their kids with their spouse. This allows women to pursue their interests as well as work projects without interruption or guilt. You can stay in bed and read all day, visit friends, shop or spend the night at a boyfriend’s or college pal’s house. Kid-free weekends allow you to experiment and have fun, and make you feel young again.

7) You may not want sex all the time

There are only two four-letter words that are offensive to most men – “don’t” and “stop”—unless they’re used together. After enough sex to last a lifetime, some women are happy to put that self-imposed obligation behind them. Occasional sex—vs. the required two times a week—actually can be more heated and satisfying. Absence can make the heart grow fonder of many things. You now can have sex when you want it, whenever that is.

You don’t have to discuss your relationship ad nauseam

How exhausting is it to ask where the relationship is going, or whether your partner cares about the relationship, and then get a grunt or a shrug or a disappointing response. Now you don’t have to ask the question because you aren’t married or interested in getting remarried. Your companion doesn’t have to be Mr. Right; he can be Mr. Right Now.

9) You’re a realist.

Divorced women know the lay of the land. They are savvy to relationship pitfalls and work hard to avoid them. True, they may not have the same financial security, but freedom is priceless. As my divorced friend Debbie says, having the freedom to do whatever, with whomever, whenever is worth every penny of living alone.

 

 

[70.3]

Yep to all 9...except I have full custody of the only remaining minor. There were no regular breaks when they were still living at home.

[Bylo Selheigh]

No discussion of tax implications?
This seems to be directed at higher income individuals and they can save a bundle by not tying the knot again.
For anybody above the 15% bracket, marriage is a real ream-job tax-wise.

[Rejaneration]

No discussion of tax implications?
This seems to be directed at higher income individuals and they can save a bundle by not tying the knot again.
For anybody above the 15% bracket, marriage is a real ream-job tax-wise.

Trust you to bring up taxes!!  Divorce---> #1 wealth killer.  Marriage ----> tax wise, a real ream job.  Shafted, coming and going!

 

[rocketgirl]

I agree with many of those.  I don't have kids, but for some of my divorced friends, they do enjoy the time off.  (Another, not so much because she works nights and weekends and only doesn't have her kids when she's working.)

I totally disagree with 7.  I totally want sex all the time.  It is SO MUCH MORE SATISFYING than it's ever been.  Of course I want more! 

I disagree with 8 sometimes.  I'm not immune from feelings and falling in love.  If I feel wow about somebody, of course, I'm going to wonder if they also feel wow about me.  I want to be on an even  playing field.  I want to know what my emotional risk is (even if I choose to ignore it).  I don't think that ever changes.  That's not to say that I haven't enjoyed some flings for exactly what they were.  I have.  But there have been other things that could have gone either way.  And a big heartbreak.  And, some cautious optimism here and there.  I don't want to get married again, but I still want something real.

And I mostly agree with number 2. While we had a pretty evenly divided workshare (or in truth, I did less), I found doing the mental heavy lifting (bills and financial planning) a burden.   I also think that you do just take for granted time you spend with someone when you live under the same roof, in a different way than when you don't.  Ideally, I'd like to have the big deal true love thing, and him live close by but NOT in my house, but still spend most nights together.   

[Rejaneration]

And I mostly agree with number 2. While we had a pretty evenly divided workshare (or in truth, I did less), I found doing the mental heavy lifting (bills and financial planning) a burden.   I also think that you do just take for granted time you spend with someone when you live under the same roof, in a different way than when you don't.  Ideally, I'd like to have the big deal true love thing, and him live close by but NOT in my house, but still spend most nights together.   

I was thinking about that this morning as I looked at my bathroom counter.  It's all MINE!  I can have my make up everywhere and my earrings tossed here and there.     I think someone having a house next door would be perfect!

#8, I read as worried about the relationship.  Now, who cares?  Maybe I will feel differently in 4 years.

[wherestheportojohn]

I will never remarry when (yes, when) dh dies before I do.
I will simply employ day laborers for the crap I cannot do myself.


....pondering ways to get rid of dh without evidence.....

[rocketgirl]

I will never remarry when (yes, when) dh dies before I do.
I will simply employ day laborers for the crap I cannot do myself.


....pondering ways to get rid of dh without evidence.....

Ha!  I have not quite gotten around to the employing of day laborers.   I have been doing everything myself, mainly because I can.  But some of it is getting old.  I did text my ex-dh to tell him that I had gained a whole new appreciation of him doing the weekly mowing and trimming of the yard during the years we were married.   

[Bylo Selheigh]

More like nine reasons not to marry that author. Run away!

[Run Amok]

Huh. Interestingly, none of those really ring true to me. But, I guess I was never the typical housewife kowtowing to my husband and kids (and you don't seem like you were either).

That said, the living apart together thing is nice. Though I've been dating someone for a couple of months and this is an ongoing dialogue/negotiation.

I do agree with the overall premise. I'm not entirely sure I'll marry again. Though, it's not really off the table either.

I would say that, for me, I see marriage/kids as "been there done that", and not something I feel the need to do again. The guy I'm seeing is also previously married so neither of us really feels much pressure to think too far into the future.

[darksunshine]

At this point,  most of those seem right on the money for me.  Right now marriage isn't even on my radar.  Really,  no interest in a relationship either. 

I love finding things where I left them when I get home.  I love having sole control of the thermostat and the remote.  And yeah,  if the house isn't sparkly clean,  I don't have to listen to complaints. 

For now,  being single is heaven!

Sent from my awesome Droid Maxx!

[Rejaneration]

Huh. Interestingly, none of those really ring true to me. But, I guess I was never the typical housewife kowtowing to my husband and kids (and you don't seem like you were either).

That said, the living apart together thing is nice. Though I've been dating someone for a couple of months and this is an ongoing dialogue/negotiation.

I do agree with the overall premise. I'm not entirely sure I'll marry again. Though, it's not really off the table either.

I would say that, for me, I see marriage/kids as "been there done that", and not something I feel the need to do again. The guy I'm seeing is also previously married so neither of us really feels much pressure to think too far into the future.

Well, it is from MORE magazine which is geared to the 40+ crowd.   

As far as kowtowing, some would call it that.  I wouldn't but I know I did sacrifice a lot and put myself last far too often...all for the 'good' of the family.  I refuse to second guess and I look at my kids with wonder.  They rock so whatever I did, it was good.  :p

I really agree with the ''been there, done that'' comment and feel the exact same way. 

I love finding things where I left them when I get home.  I love having sole control of the thermostat and the remote.  And yeah,  if the house isn't sparkly clean,  I don't have to listen to complaints. 

For now,  being single is heaven!

Amen, sister!!  And no more adult ego massaging!!  No more walking on egg shells!



Apparently, it isn't just women.  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/13/second-marriage_1_n_3921946.html  Only 30% of men remarry vs 25% of women.  Many just opt for cohabitation.  I am a bit surprised by those numbers.  I thought the remarriage rates would be higher.

Another article (based on same study) http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/09/12/remarriage-rates-divorce/2783187/  This one does bring up the factor of stepchildren which (who are?) is a huge cause of second divorces. 

Anyway, this opinion piece is not that serious, nor is it an indictment on marriage as a whole.  Second marriages, esp when children are involved, are a very different animal than first marriages.  Just like being single (again) is very different.

[merigayle]

#6 sounds great!

[Run Amok]

Now that I'm re-reading this I guess I do agree with a lot of it. I don't agree with their tone/assumptions about what married life for women looks like. But, in the end... yes, a lot of that is true for me.

As far as kowtowing, some would call it that.  I wouldn't but I know I did sacrifice a lot and put myself last far too often...all for the 'good' of the family.  I refuse to second guess and I look at my kids with wonder.  They rock so whatever I did, it was good.  :p

Well, yes, there is that. I did that a lot. I was married to someone who was miserable for most of our lives. Turned out, there was a reason for him being so miserable, though I always just thought he despised me and regretting marrying me but felt trapped and obligated. So, I made concessions for the overall good of the family, which ended up with a life I wouldn't have chosen and fled as quickly as possible. I didn't even realize how sad it made me to have left the city until I came home.

I love making all my own decisions about where I want to live and how much of a project I want to take on, and so on.

It's been a little bit interesting vis a vis the guy I'm seeing. Like, I went to buy my countertops last night. He wanted to see me, so I invited him to come along. But... I was really not interested in his opinion. Which is probably a bit unfair. But... sorry dude, you don't get to vote on what color I'm painting, or what faucet I buy for my kitchen. You just don't. And, if you know what is good for you, you will enthusiasticaly approve any choices I make. 

[nneJ]

But... I was really not interested in his opinion. Which is probably a bit unfair. But... sorry dude, you don't get to vote on what color I'm painting, or what faucet I buy for my kitchen. You just don't. And, if you know what is good for you, you will enthusiasticaly approve any choices I make. 

I feel this way about my DH and interior stuff.  Buddy, when you can actually pull together a reasonably matching, cohesive outfit, then you can have an opinion.  Until then, enthusiastic agreement is your only option.

[tenacious1]

I feel this way about my DH and interior stuff.  Buddy, when you can actually pull together a reasonably matching, cohesive outfit, then you can have an opinion.  Until then, enthusiastic agreement is your only option.

I'll give you $20 to explain this to my DH.

[Rejaneration]

I love making all my own decisions about where I want to live and how much of a project I want to take on, and so on.

It's been a little bit interesting vis a vis the guy I'm seeing. Like, I went to buy my countertops last night. He wanted to see me, so I invited him to come along. But... I was really not interested in his opinion. Which is probably a bit unfair. But... sorry dude, you don't get to vote on what color I'm painting, or what faucet I buy for my kitchen. You just don't. And, if you know what is good for you, you will enthusiasticaly approve any choices I make. 

Ain't it grand?  X and I did a lot of home renovation and we were always negotiating about the interior design/structure.  I do have to admit that usually the results were wonderful.  But now, I have no desire to discuss with anyone...well, my kids get a vote but anyone else?  No.  I will own the decisions and any resulting mistakes happily. 

#6 sounds great!

It doesn't work out that way for me as I have 100% custody and he is 8000 miles away.    Of course, for me, there is a huge upside to not being on the same continent. 

[diablita]

And your children are past the neediest (from a parenting standpoint) phase and really seem amazing (from Facebook and your posts anyway).  But I'm sure it would be easier if you had a bit of time off.

[Rejaneration]

And your children are past the neediest (from a parenting standpoint) phase and really seem amazing (from Facebook and your posts anyway).  But I'm sure it would be easier if you had a bit of time off.

D, they are so amazing.  But yeah.  They head to Cz for two weeks this summer.  I'll get some time off then.

[diablita]

That's good for all involved.  How does your ex-Dh handle being apart from them so long?  Was he close to them when you lived together?

I can't imagine being apart from my child for more than a few days.  (we're planning a week away from her and I'm nervous.)